Peeves' Practical Joke
by LyndaM
Summary: Peeves plays a practical joke on the seventh years. Better than it sounds, I suck at summaries. Please R&R This will be an eventual DMHr fic and its very AU! Set in their 7th year but ignore HBP and DH it's so not compatible. Lots of singing will happen!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer – All J

Disclaimer – All J.K. Rowlings world and the songs belong to the artists that made them famous.

PEEVES' PRACTICAL JOKE

**CHAPTER 1**

**Calm Before the Storm**

Hermione sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast on the first morning of exams. It had been a hard year for all seventh years as the NEWT classes were nothing like any of them expected, even bossy, know-it-all Granger has struggled to understand the material.

"Morning Hermione" Ginny chirped, Hermione gave her a dirt look and took out a large Potions book from her bag, opening it to the marked page, Snape had given them an extremely hard assignment at the start of the year, to concoct a new potion, it was, at least , something that Harry and Ron could not copy off of her.

"Have you thought of a potion yet, Hermione?" Harry asked,

"Of course I have, I hope you two have started on it" Hermione replied, her potion was something that had little use in the world, but would be enjoyable to try nonetheless.

"Of course we have, I told you at the start of term, I am taking my schoolwork seriously this year, especially since I want to be an Auror"

"Have any of you noticed, how quiet it has been lately?" Ron interrupted; Hermione looked up from her textbook and studied Ron,

"How do you mean?" she replied, the seventh years had been noticeably more restrained in their usual antics, even a Quidditch win had not deterred them from their studies, which was how it should be, in Hermione's opinion.

"I mean that even Peeves hasn't been up to his usual pranks" Ron replied, Hermione gazed around the Great Hall, it was true, Peeves had been allowed to sit in the Great Hall at dinner since the start of term, Hermione assumed that he didn't want to spoil his chances so he had stopped reeking havoc all over the school, her eyes rested on Peeves who was bobbing next to Professor Sprout at the staff table, but he had been unusually quiet, he hadn't even taken the opportunity to tell on Hermione when he had caught her in the library at midnight the previous week.

"He has to be up to something" Ron added, Harry nodded his head in agreement and together they started to discuss all the things that Peeves could do to the unsuspecting first years.

After classes that day, Hermione headed to her dormitory, she had been made Head Girl that year and had to share a dorm with the Head Boy, it wouldn't have been so bad, if the Head Boy wasn't Draco Malfoy, the two had had some blazing rows, which usually ended with Malfoy calling her a Mudblood and Hermione hexing him, usually with boils or something equally painful. Hermione didn't understand how he had gotten the post, he wasn't responsible, he wasn't that good in classes, as far as Hermione knew, his Father had paid for his position, this however, did not add up to Hermione, as Dumbledore didn't accept bribes.

Hermione placed her school books on the desk that the school had provided for her and went to check her potion which was brewing in the small potions lab, it had turned clear as Hermione hoped it would, the potions was a form of Veritaserum, but would force the drinker to admit only their true feelings, unlike Veritaserum which forced the drinker to tell the truth about anything asked, this potion would only work if asked how they really felt about something. Hermione stirred her potion some more and then stopped dead in her tracks, something wasn't right here, her potion seemed to have shrunk, Hermione shrugged and assumed it was part of the brewing process that it would reduce when heated. Hermione reached over to the workbench beside her and pulled out her last ingredient, the tooth of a Cerberus, it had been extremely difficult to obtain this ingredient, she had, had to obtain permission from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures to get it, Hermione dropped the tooth in and watch ed curiously as her potion fizzed and sparked, Hermione turned off the heat and set to work on writing the accompanying essay for her potion.

Finally finishing her homework at midnight, Hermione bottled her potion to take to Snape the next day and crawled into bed, Malfoy hadn't actually bothered her all day, he had set to work on his own potion and worked silently next to her. Hermione reached into her draw and pulled out her diary, as childish as it was, Hermione enjoyed writing everything down, although she had taken extra precautions to charm it to identify only her, sucking on the end of a sugar quill she began to write.

_Dear Diary, _

_So I finally finished my potion, it was odd though I noticed that at least half my potion was gone tonight, I assumed that it was part of the brewing process but it's niggling at me and I don't know if there is something I am missing. Perhaps Malfoy stole some as a way to cheat in his assignment but that wouldn't make sense because we all registered what kind of Potion we were making with Snape last week. Speaking of the devil reincarnate, he was fairly pleasant today, he didn't even insult me when I came in. _

_I know you get sick of hearing about him but he is an insufferable git and I wish Dumbledore had picked someone else as Head Boy, Harry or Ron even, I know Dumbledore will have had his reasons, something about house Unity no doubt but I wouldn't expect someone like Malfoy to put the past behind him and realise that I am a witch with magical blood just like him, not that he is a witch but you know what I mean. _

_I should probably go to sleep but I am a little excited about my potion, some of the ingredients are really rare…..I gotta go diary, I'll write tomorrow, there was an explosion in the potions lab._

Hermione put down her quill and made her way to Malfoy's side of the potions lab,

"What happened?" she asked, Malfoy stood stunned next to his cauldron, green goo covered him from head to foot,

"My potion exploded Granger, what do you think?" he snapped, Hermione rolled her eyes and started to help him clean up the mess,

"Scourgify" Hermione said, the green goo disappeared, leaving Malfoy clean again, he looked up at her

"Thanks" he said simply, Hermione as stunned, had Malfoy just thanked her? She made her way back up to her room and sat on the bed again pondering this, picking up her diary again she made a small note at the bottom of the page,

_Malfoy just thanked me for helping him, have you ever noticed how stormy his eyes are? Liking looking at a fantastic thunderstorm!_

Putting her diary down, she climbed under the sheets and fell instantly into a deep slumber.


	2. Chapter 2

PEEVES' PRACTICAL JOKE

**PEEVES' PRACTICAL JOKE**

**CHAPTER 2**

Hermione woke early the next morning, to excited to sleep she made her way down to the Great Hall for breakfast, narrowly missing Peeves as he attempted to tip a vat of bubotuber puss on top of her. She sat down next to Harry and Ron,

"Peeves is up to his usual tricks again, I see" she commented, Harry and Ron nodded, the excitement of guessing what Peeves was up to had obviously worn off, "Ready to hand in your Potion?"

"I was up late finishing it, but yeah I finally got it done" Ron replied showing her a small vial of pink liquid,

"What is it?"

"A liquefied version of the Jelly Leg jinx" he replied, smiling proudly,

"Wow Ron, I'm impressed" she said handing the vial back "But why is it pink?" Ron blushed a little and stuffed the vial back into his pocket,

"I may have made a tiny error when mixing the moongrass and snakeskin" he mumbled, Hermione smiled at him encouragingly,

"At least you tried and did it on your own" she said, Ron smiled at her and went back to his porridge "What about you Harry?" Harry held up a vial of orange liquid,

"I haven't got a fancy name for it, but basically it is a form of the disillusionment charm" he said, Hermione beamed at him,

"That would be really useful" Hermione said taking the potion from him and studying it, "I thought about that but mine seemed like so much more fun" she replied, she handed the potion back to Harry who was busy scribbling down last minute notes for his essay, Hermione picked up her water and scanned the Great Hall, he eyes resting on a familiar blonde Slytherin, was she imagining it or was he staring back?

"Morning Hermione" Lavender said as she took a seat next to Parvati, Hermione smiled at the blonde girl and took another glance around the Great Hall, she had uneasy feeling that something strange was going on,

"Why does the water taste like wet dog?" Ron complained, Hermione laughed,

"Have you tasted wet dog before Ron?" Harry asked, Ron turned beat red and put his glass down, Hermione studied her glass, the water did seem a bit murkier than usual,

"So who are you going to the dance with Hermione?" Lavender asked, ignoring Ron who was trying to wipe the taste out of his mouth,

"No one has asked me yet" Hermione replied, she was suddenly interrupted by a disturbance at the Slytherin table, everyone turned to stare at Malfoy and Pansy who seemed to be having a very public break up,

"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME, DRACO?" Pansy squealed, causing Hermione to wince at the sound, Draco stood, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST COMMIT TO ME!" it was lucky that almost everyone was sitting down, what happened next would have made everyone faint, Draco opened his mouth to respond,

"_I'm the type of guy who never settles down, where pretty girls are, you'll know that I'm around, I kiss 'em and I love 'em 'cause to me they're all the same, I hug 'em and I squeeze 'em, they don't even know my name, They call me the wanderer, yeah, wanderer, I roam round and round and round and round"_ he sang, Hermione's jaw dropped, Draco Malfoy was singing, in the middle of the Great Hall, if the students hadn't been watching the show before, they were certainly paying attention now,

"How many other girls are there?" Pansy spluttered, tears streaming down her face,

"_There's Flo on my left and there's Mary on my right, and Janie is the girl, that I'll be with tonight, and when she asks me which one I love the best, I tear open my shirt and show Rosie on my chest"_ he didn't seem to be able to stop himself, most of the Great Hall was rolling on the floor laughing, Hermione couldn't help but chuckle at the spectacle he was making of himself, then as if the singing wasn't bad enough, Draco stepped out from behind the table and started to dance,

"_'Cause I'm the wanderer, yeah, wanderer, I roam round and round and round and round"_ Hermione looked up at the staff table, all of the teachers were staring, Snape was trying to break free from Professor Dumbledore's grip to stop the boy from making a scene, still Malfoy continued;

"_Well, I roam from town to town, Live life without a care, I'm as happy as a clown, with my 2 fists of iron but I'm goin' nowhere, I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around, I'm never in one place; I roam from town to town, And when I find myself a-fallin' for some girl, I hop right onto that broom of mine and fly around the world, 'cause I'm the wanderer, yeah, wanderer, I roam round and round and round and round"_ finally Malfoy seemed to regain his composure, he looked around the Great Hall before fleeing without looking backwards, Hermione bit her lip and pondered what had just happened, it seemed very strange that Malfoy had just decided on the spur of the moment that he needed to make his life a musical, standing quickly she hurried after Malfoy, determined to find out what had happened.

Hermione wasn't the only one concerned with Malfoy's behaviour, Dumbledore had watched from the staff table, as Draco had performed his song and dance, most of the students were still laughing loudly about what had just transpired but none were in more hysterics than Peeves, Dumbledore steepled his fingers and surveyed the poltergeist through is half moon spectacle's, Peeves' had done something and the Headmaster had a feeling he knew what he had done, most of the students had filed out of the Great Hall by the time Dumbledore had finished pondering the repercussions of Peeves' actions, Dumbledore was about to leave himself when Hermione Granger approached him,

"Excuse me, sir" she said politely, Dumbledore gave her a polite smile, "Sir, I need to tell you that I think someone stole some of the potion I was brewing for Professor Snape's class and fed it to Malfoy" she said timidly, Dumbledore raised his eyebrow's

"Why do you think that, Miss. Granger?" Dumbledore asked,

"I read in a book that sometimes when potions haven't finished brewing, side effects of the potion occur more often" she hesitated before continuing "The potion I brewed for class, was a version of Veritaserum, but instead of telling the truth, the drinker would admit their true feelings" Dumbledore studied the Head Girl, it was possible that this may have been the case,

"Thank you Miss. Granger, I will ask you to speak of this to no one, one can only guess at the panic that may be caused if this information were to be leaked" Hermione nodded and turned to leave, "One more thing Miss Granger" Hermione turned to look at her Professor, "May I have a sample of this potion, you have brewed" Hermione reached into her bag and withdrew the potion she had been intending to hand to Professor Snape, Dumbledore took it and swept from the room.

Hermione made her way to her Heads dorm, she knew Malfoy would be in there and would probably be in a foul mood, but she needed to collect another sample of her potion before enjoying her day in Hogsmeade. As she walked, she was reminded of Lavender's question, no one had asked her to the dance yet, she had thought that Ron would have asked her by now, but as usual, he would leave it till the last minute, Hermione slipped quietly into the potions lab near her room and filled another vial, just as quietly she slipped back into the hallway to join the hustle and bustle of students heading out for the day, but before the door closed behind her, she could swear she heard a sob coming from somewhere inside.

Outside on the lawn, the students were gathered in a large circle, Hermione made her way over to see what was going on. In the middle of the circle was Ron and to Hermione's dismay, Padma Patil,

"Well, I was just….I was just wondering if……." Ron was stuttering pretty badly "Doyouwannagototheballwithme?" he mumbled Padma looked at him shocked,

"After what happened at the Yule Ball, are you kidding me? You can't dance, why would you want to go the dance!" she laughed, Ron turned beet red, and before he could stop himself, he opened his mouth to reply,

"_You broke my heart my, 'Cause I couldn't dance, You didn't even want me around, and now I'm back, to let you know, I can really shake 'em down"_ Hermione couldn't believe what was happening, Ron backed by Seamus and Harry started to sing and dance, _"Do you love me?"_

"_I can really move"_ Harry and Seamus sang  
_"Do you love me?"_

"_I'm in the groove"  
"Ah do you love?"_

"_Do you love me"  
"Now that I can dance"_

"_Dance"_ Ron offered his hand to Padma who took sceptically, _"Watch me now, oh"_

"_Work, work"  
"Ah, work it all baby"_

"_Work, work"  
"Well, you're drivin' me crazy_

"_With a little bit of soul now_"

"_Work"_ Ron looked as though he had no idea what was going on and Hermione knew his fancy footwork had nothing to do with dance lessons and everything to do with the potion

"_I can mash-potato"_

"_I can mash-potato"  
"And I can do the twist"_

"_I can do the twist"  
"Now tell me baby"_

"_Tell me baby"  
"Mmm, do you like it like this" _Seamus and Harry sang,_  
"Tell me"_

"_Tell me"  
Tell me"_

Finally Ron seemed to realise what had happened, but before he could run off like Malfoy, Padma had thrown her arms around his neck and agreed to go to the dance with him, Hermione sighed, it looked like she would be going on her own this year, Hermione made her way down to Hogsmeade thinking about all the happy couples at Hogwart's, she was the only one who didn't have a boyfriend, it wasn't like she wasn't interested in boys, the just never noticed her. Hermione sighed, why couldn't somebody find her attractive.

_**A/N: I hope you are all enjoying this as much as I enjoy writing it. Please review if you would be so kind, but even if you don't I'll still update cos this so much fun to write.**_


	3. Chapter 3

PEEVES PRACTICAL JOKE

**PEEVES PRACTICAL JOKE**

**Chapter 3**

_**A/N: Thankyou to all my lovely reviewers. I just wanted to let everyone know that this story will have a lot of singing in it (just a hint but this **__**is**__** Peeves' joke) so if you are not a fan of this type of story, don't read it. Anyway, I also have to tell you that Harry and his world and all characters with belong to JK Rowling, all songs that appear in my story are not mine either, I'm not that good a writer you see. (P.S. the concept of this story, did come from a Buffy episode, but at the moment I cannot remember the name of it)**_

Hermione made her way through Hogsmeade alone, she knew the Harry had a date with Ginny that day and no doubt, Ron was off with Padma somewhere. Hermione sighed deeply and made her way into The Three Broomsticks, the events of the day had worn her out, watching Ron declare his love for Padma had been a blow, she had thought he liked her, but that he was just to shy to ask her out, she didn't understand why she had been overlooked, Hermione sat with Neville and sipped on her butter beer thoughtfully,

"Is anything wrong, Hermione?" Neville asked, Hermione shook her head but a strange feeling came over her, her mind went suddenly blank but she had the urge to speak her true feelings, Hermione's eyes widened, the potion was about to take effect on her, she clamped her hand to her mouth, getting a strange look off of Neville,

"Each morning I get up I die a little, can barely stand on my feet, take a look in the mirror and cry, Lord, what you're doing to me, I have spent all my years in believing you, but I just can't get no relief, lord! Somebody, ooh somebody  
Can anybody find me somebody to love?" she sang quietly, Neville looked alarmed, "I work hard every day of my life, I work till I ache in my bones, At the end of the day, I take home my hard earned pay all on, My own-I get down on my knees, and I start to pray, Till the tears run down from my eyes, Lord, Somebody, ooh somebody, Can anybody find me-somebody to love?" Hermione tried to force herself not to sing anymore, it was one thing to watch the others go through it, but to do it herself was quite another, Hermione stood suddenly, her feet were acting of their own accord, she had never taken a dance lesson in her life but suddenly she was dancing for her life around The Three Broomsticks " I try and I try and I try, but everybody wants to put me down, they say I'm going crazy, They say I got a lot of water in my brain, Aw they ain't got no common sense, I've got nobody left to believe in, Can anybody find me somebody to love?" Hermione had finally gained control over her feet and her mind, she stood stock still on top of the bar, staring around the room wildly, Hermione turned and bolted from The Three Broomsticks, mortified that she had lost control like that, she had no idea how she had managed to induce any of the potion but it didn't matter, she had made a fool out of herself, she made to her common room without being interrupted by anyone, she threw herself down on her bed and sobbed into her pillow, she didn't even know she had felt that way, but then that was the effect of the potion, Hermione wiped her eyes and made her way to the kitchen, hoping that Malfoy hadn't made it back from Hogsmeade yet, it obviously wasn't her day, as soon as she stepped out of her room, Malfoy stood in front of her, a look of malice in his eye,

"Nice dancing, Granger" he sneered,

"I could say the same for you, Malfoy" Hermione replied quietly, she stepped around him and made her way into her small bathroom, she studied her reflection in the mirror, she didn't see anything wrong with herself, sure she wasn't beautiful, her baggy clothes hid her small frame but she was not fat, her hair was a wild mess but she couldn't tame it.

"Don't stare at the mirror to hard, Granger, it might break" Malfoy was standing in the doorway,

"Fuck off, Malfoy" Hermione replied, she sighed and turned away from the mirror, "What is wrong with me? Tell me, Malfoy, what do others have that I don't?" Malfoy's smirk grew wider, if that was even possible.

"You really want to know?" he asked, Hermione nodded, whatever he had to say, couldn't hurt her as much as how she felt about herself, "You're such a beautiful freak, I wish there were more just like you  
You're not like all of the others, And that is why I love you, Beautiful freak, beautiful freak, that is why I love you, beautiful freak, beautiful freak" Hermione's eyes widened, "Some people think you have a problem, but that problem lies only with them, just 'cause you are not like all the others, but that is why I love you, beautiful freak, beautiful freak, yeah that is why I love you, beautiful freak, beautiful freak"

"STOP!" Hermione bellowed, she couldn't take this, whatever she thought he would say, she had not expected this "Just stop! I can take you calling me a mudblood, or whatever you want to call me! Do not expect me to believe, that you love me!" Malfoy didn't seem to hear her, the eerie silence between them unnerved her, a knock on the common room door cut through the silence like a gun shot, relieved to be able to do something other than stare at Malfoy, Hermione turned and opened the door, Ginny pushed her way in,

"I wondered where you got to" she said, Hermione turned away from her friend in time to see a flash of blonde hair disappear into his room. "Hermione, what's wrong?" Hermione sat on the couch, not looking at her friend,

"You don't want to know, you don't really care" Hermione muttered, Ginny sat next to her,

"Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong, You're enchained by your own sorrow, In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow, How I hate to see you like this, There is no way you can deny it, I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet" Hermione groaned, she couldn't take anymore singing, there had to be a way to stop it. "Chiquitita, tell me the truth, I'm a shoulder you can cry on, Your best friend, I'm the one you must rely on, You were always sure of yourself, Now I see you've broken a feather, I hope we can patch it up together, Chiquitita, you and I cry, but the sun is still in the sky and shining above you, let me hear you sing once more like you did before, sing a new song, Chiquitita, try once more like you did before  
Sing a new song, Chiquitita" Ginny grinned at the end of her song,

"I hate singing!" Hermione yelled, Ginny laughed

"Come on, it's a little bit of fun" she replied, "Tell me what's wrong?"

"It's Ron, I thought he and I would be together, but he likes Padma and I have no one" she whispered, tears forming at the corner of her eyes "It just seems like there is no one left"

"Of course there are plenty of eligible men here, what about Seamus or Dean?"

"I don't think so!" Hermione said, I just want to know one thing?" Hermione said, that strange feeling had come back again, this time she didn't try to restrain it "Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods? Where's the street-wise Hercules, to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and turn and dream, of what I need"

"I could name a few more if you'd like" Ginny laughed,

"I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night, He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight, I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light  
he's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life" Hermione slumped back against the couch and looked at Ginny "I just want someone!" she sighed, Ginny smiled at her,

"I can think of a white headed god, who just broke up with his pug faced girlfriend" Hermione shook her head,

"Anyone but him!" she said, Hermione was glad however that the potion hadn't kicked in when she said that, deep down she thought that it wouldn't be to bad if Malfoy asked her out.

_**A/N: I know this short, but I am at work so I really can't do to much. The songs that I have used so far are: The Wanderer by Dion, Do You Love Me? by The Contours, Somebody to Love by Queen, Beautiful Freak by Eels and Chquitita by Abba. I had actually never heard the Eels song before but I was looking for a song that would fit there and this seemed perfect. Please let me know what you think.**_


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